1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
