JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
