I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
