Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
