I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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