Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
