Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
