Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My vagina is very pro this idea
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
