I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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