I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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