I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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