Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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