please come you make the beer taste better
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
