my phone needs a breathalizer
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sext me about skeletons
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
