Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need moral support for this bender
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
