I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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