sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
