oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
