Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
