The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
