Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
