I think I won the penis lottery.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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