You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
