how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
