Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
