my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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