they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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