M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
