Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
