I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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