I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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