I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
