Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
