Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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