some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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