had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
