I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize