I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i will never coherently bang her
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize