If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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