hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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