I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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