Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
