My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
