He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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