u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
