dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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