she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
