this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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