I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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