She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i out mim tonsoeep
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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