Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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