so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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