Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize