Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
