Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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