Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
