he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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