You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize