I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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