While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
