I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
